Selena the vampiress
by Monelle
Summary: Selena is a beautiful vampire woman who has an unusual relationship with her mentor, the powerful succubus Maxsys. But among humans she meets Jim who kinda turns her world upside down. What path will she choose and what are the challenges she'll have to face along the way? Join her in her adventure!


**SELENA**

_The Vampiress_

I - I'm a Pilgrim

I can't really control the future, but the present... The present is all mine. Right now, at this very moment, I can do anything I like. I can even change the world if I want to. I can do it with the most simple gesture, just by putting a smile over my face, one that would expose my perfect white teeth and... fangs. If I'd want that of course. But I don't.

We're not impulsive creatures. We plan ahead for our next move, we calculate precisely. And we take the time to enjoy each and every moment of our lives. We are never in a hurry. Why should we be when we have hundreds of years to live what you people try to squeeze in a few decades?

I play with the cream in my coffee while I sit quietly at my table. Their eyes are all slipping up and down my body. My beauty, which I'm perfectly aware of, and a bit of magic hypnotizes them. They've been staring for so long that I find it funny they haven't realised I'm not one of them.

There are men who would crash at my feet at an eye blink... women watch me too, admiring, envying me. I've envied them too, maybe I still do. I wish I had their curves and the glow of their skin. No vampire woman could ever be so voluptuous! Our bodies have almost no color at all, it's like we're made of air, we're pale as the moonlight, lean and skinny. You may not know, but we actually can survive the daylight, we can stand under the sun's rays... It's useless though, we don't really get a tan and our skin gets burnt so easily.

It's 7 p.m. and the day's just about to start from where I see it. I enjoy my coffee and have a taste of a chocolate cupcake. I love chocolate just as much as I appreciate a handsome young man's blood, but people's food isn't enough to keep me alive. I eat and drink just to spoil myself, for my own pleasure like anything else I do in life actually. I have no limits. No restrictions. The only rule we have to obey, me and the rest of my kind, is not to leave any evidence behind. That's when magic comes in handy…

I am a pilgrim vampire. This is what I've chosen to be and what I was raised to become ever since Maxsys took me under his wing, when my mother died. Every man alive at that time would've died to have my mother's son. She was the most beautiful vampiress. I have no idea who my lucky father was though, he never claimed me.

In our world, women don't have much to do but to be beautiful so men would want them to have their children. There's no love between night's creatures. It's not a feeling we deny ourselves but one we're just not capable of. We have sex with whoever we like, including humans. It's one of our greatest pleasures and we are not restricted by the need of being faithful or anything like that. We're totally free.

We choose who to have our babies with by other criteria though. Men look for a woman able to have kids that would be both strong and beautiful, the most useful traits when hunting for food. Beauty is obvious and it's a very good bait for humans. Strength is a bit more complicated and it doesn't have to be just physical. Part of it comes from father's position in our society and the rest from the magic kid inherited from both parents but learns how to use from his mother.

So the woman is expected to be a good magician and a skillful teacher too.

As long as she's raising the baby, the father provides for her, then, when the son has grown up, it becomes his duty to take care of his mother. So the more kids she will have, the richer she'll be... if she doesn't have the bad luck to bring only daughters into the world. Then she will get a part of what her daughters get which is obviously a smaller portion.

The other way, the pilgrim's one, is more of a men's way. Few women chose this path and the ones who do are considered more of a loss for the society. Tradition still lets them choose though.

Pilgrims travel the world hunting and they send food home for the ones who can't hunt themselves or have more important things to do for the community. This is what my mother did even if she was one of the most wanted women and she would've become the richest one if she would've stayed home.

And this is what I've become under Maxsys's close supervision. He took his tutor part very seriously. I don't know why he took me, this is so not like him to do this kind of gestures, but anyways he gave me the life of a princess. People respected me as much as they respected him. I had everything I needed and he taught me magic himself like no one else could've.

Maxys is a different kind of vampire, he's a succubus, the only one I know. They are much more powerful than us and they don't have fangs cos they don't need blood to survive. They feed with pure energy. They're kind of a superior vampire species. There are not many though and we don't know much about them. I make no exception. Maxsys doesn't like to talk much about himself... or anything else.

About my adoption, he must have found something interesting about me... he once mentioned something about some fire he saw in my eyes... which makes absolutely no sense at all! I mean... We're night's creatures, we're made of air! And why the sudden interest in fire? It must have been talking about my temper, I think. Boy did I caused a lot of trouble when I was little! It seemed like he wasn't so upset about it though, because in a very strange way, every time I did something crazy, I could see a trace of pride in his gaze like he was expecting that from me... Anyways, I was unstoppable. No matter how harsh punishments were, no matter for how long he kept me locked up or even without food, it always made even fiercer. I was even more rebel, stronger and, with his lessons, more and more dangerous.

About magic: we're made of air; we're the masters of the dark; we are the shadows that make the light shine brighter. So, what people see or think they see, their memories - we can play with this kind of stuff every once in a while…

Like I said, I was morphing into a force of the dark and also growing up to become a walking temptation. Maxsys predicted hard times for our kind and decided that I was going to be valuable as a pilgrim. I immediately agreed because I definitely couldn't see myself just taking care of a bunch of babies. I still can't. Plus, it would've been a shame not to practice everything that I have learned from him. Thanks to him no one can match my magic skills! That along with my beauty makes me absolutely irresistible. Maxsys himself gives in to my charms everytime he has the chance. This happens since he had to teach me Seduction and he found out I was so talented at it. This is how I get my food, seducing young men here in this coffee shop or anywhere else. Today I'm not here to do this. I just wanted a taste of something sweet for now. I'll have 'dinner' 'delivered' to my home later on. Somebody is probably already on his way to my apartment. He must be very happy with himself too. I should go get ready for him...

II - An Unexpected Guest

\- So it's not dinner (I'm disappointed)... in front of my door stands one Maxsys so pale that for a moment I think I can see right through him. He passes by me, expecting no invitation as usual and closes the door behind him.

His skin is just as white as his shirt and the black suit he's wearing is way too classy for the modern times. His dark wavy hair make his magnetic blue eyes shine like stars in the sky.

Strange. Even though I'm used to him acting cold, this time he seems so far away, like we were in a dream or something... I must have been to long among humans. I definitely should go home more often.

He opens the bottle he brought and pours into my glasses without a word.

\- Wine? But I haven't had dinner yet! And that's why I don't have anything for you to take home. You came to early.

\- That's not why I came for.

He takes a strange vial out of his pocket. It looks like a jewel with precious gems on it and it's filled with blood which Maxsys pours into my glass of wine.

\- Mmm... blood? With liquor? Almost as good as sex! Max (he hates it when I call him like this), you know you don't have to get me drunk to take me to bed…

\- I just told you I'm here for something else.

\- That's such a shame…

A cold gaze. That's it! Not a trace of a smile. No desire... no... nothing! I can't believe it! I grab my phone and start typing a message with a disappointed look on my face.

\- Could you tell me what you're doing if that's not too much to ask?

\- Freezing my dinner... I answer with resignation while he raises an eyebrow waiting for me to continue.

Than I erupt:

\- You come here unannounced as always, you can't be bothered to buy me dinner and you don't even let me eat what I've worked so hard to prepare for myself!

\- I am sure smiling and flirting so much left you exhausted.

\- Well... starving at least…

\- Drink this, he says handing me the glass with the 'magic cocktail'...

-Tomorrow maybe I'll have a decent meal... I take a sip, the thing was amazing by the way.

\- Please! You and decency... don't make me laugh!

\- You should try it every once in a while... laughing I mean. I can't see the harm in it. You don't even have fangs to hide!

\- Not living your life either…

First joking attempt! That's a start...

\- I'm beginning to like it you know... I wonder what on this Earth (or any other) can get you in trouble. Is it really something bothering you? Not in my wildest dreams did I imagined to get to the day where things are not "going as planned" anymore! We're finally free! We're going to be able to improvise, to make mistakes... I think I'm about to get excited!

\- …

Silence? I'm obviously gonna take advantage of that and go on.

\- I think the whole world is about to change…

\- You can say that again…

\- Apocalypse is coming! We might even come out of the shadows and rule the world and FEED properly…

I can't believe he hasn't stopped me yet.

\- So what's the matter, boss?

\- Are you done?

It must be serious for him to overlook the way I just called him.

\- Not really, but I am over generous today so I'm gonna take a very small break to allow you to speak your mind…

\- I need you.

That's all. Short. Precise. Thundering. Grave. I never heard these words out of him.

\- And it keeps getting better, doesn't it? Maxsys himself is about to sell his soul. I'm thrilled.

I can live on this for weeks, now I really should put my food on hold.

\- What can I do for you, King of The Darkness?

\- Saving my world to start with.

\- Now you're pissing me off. Stop fucking around and speak clearly! My food is getting cold.

\- I thought you were going to postpone that.

\- Yeah, like I'd ever listen to you…

\- I myself haven't eaten anything in a very long time... and if you don't start taking me seriously you are not going to eat again!

I hate it when he talks to me like this!

The sudden change of attitude took me by surprise so the only thing I was able to do before he took control over the situation was to give him a very angry look. All that rambling had its price though, I never found out what he wanted to say. I always act stupid and miss out! He'll manage, I'm not worried about him, he always makes the wisest choices. I'm just sorry I couldn't satisfy my curiosity.

I did something else instead, something more my style, something like changing the world, not necessarily for the better. That's how I am, I improvise, I make mistakes but my mistakes are adorable. I create new problems, I find unconventional solutions! I am a fascinating mix of madness and wisdom, I am an innocent child and the black widow all together, just like a complete woman should be, just how Maxsys taught me to be... to answer to all of his needs, to make him adore me and hate me with all his guts at the same time cos we all need both 'good' and 'bad' to be fulfilled. Because the world doesn't have to be black or white and we must not ever let just one idea or one single emotion define who we are.

So he's pale and weak. Not as angry with me as he claims to be. Hungry. Needs energy to survive. Well, what am I if not pure energy? But how could I solve the problem? Piece of cake!

\- Have you ever tried blood?

He's out of words for a second (this is such an achievement).

\- Like... human blood?

\- Human, vampire whatever... except maybe animal cos that would be gross.

\- Of course not, what are you talking about? I don't even have fangs, remember?

\- Oh, but I do... let's think about it for a minute. Blood is energy, isn't it? It's life! What do you live on? Energy! So why don't you just try another form of it? What's wrong with adding a little variety to the menu? Everybody used to do it my way in the beginning you know…

\- No, Selena, I have not tried blood.

\- …

\- and I am not willing to, so don't you even dare to say out loud what you were about to say!

\- Why not? Do you find it so decadent? Is it infamous to you? I dare him as I sucked the last drop from my glass closing my eyes to fully enjoy it.

He looks at me mercifully.

\- I couldn't know if it works. Anyways, there's nothing left for me... (He thinks he's off the hook so he lets out a pretty smile).

\- But I have something so much better for you... I look him in the eyes smiling wide enough to show just one of my fangs, the one I shove deeply into my skin, just above my wrist.

\- You must know, women love to be kissed here, I say.

Then I end his hesitation:

-Come on, don't let it waist!

I have no idea how he felt before his lips came of my skin allowing the wound to heal instantly. It was strong though cos he literally flew away from my couch like a hurricane and disappeared for a while.

To me it was a sweet... dizziness, like fainting, some pain but more pleasure, weakness and strength, all together. Left me tired but feeling fulfilled, secretly hoping to do it again sometime, rather sooner than later and excited about doing something new and of course forbidden.

III - Dead Nature

-James Ford. Friends call me Jim.

-So, James, what do you do for a living?

As usual, I start my day at the cafe enjoying a hot chocolate and a delicious smile. In front of me, a handsome young man is trying to defend his honor. He is Not a portraitist. I definitely should visit his exhibition to learn more about dead nature art. How I love dead nature!

I most certainly will visit his exhibition. My living room walls are begging for a painting... but still I'm as natural as someone can be and I swear I can play dead just to get a good portrait of myself!? In the end we came to an agreement which left us both unsatisfied. I call him 'Jim' when we say goodbye, letting him think that maybe we could become friends eventually, but I keep insisting with that portrait. He overlooks my stubbornness and my complete ignorance regarding arts hoping to at least sell me one painting.

Now is when I can enjoy the sun's rays. They've become harmless. The sunset makes the sky bleed beautifully. I bet my new friend could turn this into a great painting, but he doesn't make landscapes either. So arrogant! This meal won't be easy to make. But I love a good challenge. I sure will go see him... Next week!

Not feeling hungry tonight so, after watching the sun go down, I let the darkness walk me home. I need no company. I'd rather stay inside and have a glass of wine by myself, read something light, watch a bad movie... I have all the time in the world to enjoy myself.

\- So it's true what they say... must be getting harder to find food around here... I mean... if you paid this much for a meal you haven't even had yet!?

A big painting covers half of one of my living room walls. And I don't even like the painting! Some random stuff put together making absolutely no sense. Collateral...costs.

-Oh, please! Just take what you came for and leave!

Even though I hate him coming in and out of my house just like that, I'm not gonna let him ruin my day today.

\- Anyways I'm pretty sure these have nothing to do with the small fortune you have just spent on this painting of yours.

\- That's none of your business. Can't I go shopping now? Since when do you care how I spend the money you give me?

\- I'd be careful if I were you. These games can get dangerous.

Once more, he changes the subject before I get to answer.

\- You know, I've been thinking... he goes on looking at the blood vials in his hand, you were right. It helped.

I am not sure if he's serious about it but I prefer to cut it short. You don't want to hesitate with him. Once you did it, you're gone. Trapped. Forever. Or dead. I gotta be fast. Sharp. Bold. Never show fear. We're all animals, aren't we? Oh, we're beasts. Demons.

\- Sorry, you're not getting any more today, it's hard to find food these days…

\- Yeah, so I heard…

A moment later he's gone. And hopefully he'll leave me alone for a while. I have plans.

IV - The Portrait

I own my body. I rule my own world. I am strong, I'm invincible. I am sexy. I am the most beautiful woman alive or so he thinks as I sit still on my bed embracing... some white sheets. He looks carefully, he measures precisely, he calculates proportions, he does not find me a single flaw. He doesn't see my secret either as my lips are sealed. They say nothing. They show nothing. May be just the thought of a smile.

I have him right here in my den, so close, so vulnerable, not even thinking about what might happen to him. It's just too easy for me. I must wait a little longer, at least until he finishes my portrait. After all I really want a portrait. Honestly.

And so it's true. There are moments in life when patience becomes just as delightful as the praise you're waiting for. Anticipating, visualizing, living that moment in your head over and over again just makes you enjoy it even more. I love this game. I am always in control. I decide when the time is right.

For now, I watch him work. He is so passionate, so focused, so tormented. I have never seen such dedication! Who knows what is he sketching there!? He doesn't let me see. But he puts shadow around lights, creating fascinating forms. He is some sort of god of course. He puts life into canvas. He invents a whole new world for every painting he makes.

My feet are becoming numb though. I got tired of being a statue. And the touch of the sheer light isn't enough for me any more. So I start coming back to life and kill all his hopes of finishing that sketch as I move for the first time.

He was so lost in his lights and shadows, trying so hard to make them listen. So focused. His moves were so precise. His touch was becoming harder and harder drawing shorter, thicker lines, fighting the chaos with that pencil... he was never going to make it!

Dead natures never move. They listen to him. They stay put. They are mathematics, just shapes and lights and shadows falling just where they're supposed to. They have nothing to hide. He can put them on paper just as they are because they have no secrets, of course.

His face freezes as I move. He totally understands and forgives me for being so... restless, by my abandonment of the cause becomes his failure and this is not something he is going to forgive himself for so easily. The crinkle of that paper scratches my soul (funny, I had no idea I had one) and I suddenly feel sorry for him (another brand new _feeling!?) _when I see the other crinkled sketches on the floor. A whole lot of them.

He's tired. Frustrated. And so sad. He worked so hard but still in vain. He's disappointed. He never said he was able to do great portraits though he thought otherwise. The problem is... How stupid of me! He doesn't know it and hopefully never will, bur us vampires have a certain... aura. There are actually no good portraits of us, and I sadly realize that just now, but not even in the pictures, we do not look exactly like we do in real life. There's this energy around us that makes us be seen by people in a certain way that can not be put on paper. Jim is just asking too much of himself. Of course he does, he is a pro, what was I thinking?! I had no idea he was such a perfectionist! I actually was afraid he wasn't going to take this seriously. I worried he was going to use this to just get me naked and not even try to draw the portrait I wanted. And here we are again in a place we're both unhappy. None of us is getting his way.

I try to kiss his hands and, as I do that, one of his fingers leaves a charcoal mark on my face which he finds incredibly sexy but still he refuses to kiss me and leaves me alone - intrigued and with no portrait!

V - A Gift

\- Hello, my dear! Oh, you don't look... that good today. In fact, you look rather horrible. Is something wrong?

\- I actually feel so tired. The heat is killing me…

\- Ah! Funny. It seems nice and chilly to me. In here I mean.

\- Not inside of course! I had to go out for a few hours…

\- Hours!? Really? That's interesting... You went out... In august?

\- Yeah... I did, what's with the questioning? I'm fine.

\- Selena, you are definitely not fine! When's the last time you ate?

\- No, Maxsys, you have no right! I give you more food than any of you men pilgrims, I never delay…

\- Women are more suspicious these days. They don't fall so easily any more…

\- Doesn't matter. You have no right to scold me for being lazy once in a while!

\- It's not that. I didn't even come to collect. It's about you. Have you looked in the mirror? You have dark circles under your eyes. And I bet no matter how hard I annoy you, you still won't be able to get out of that bed…

\- …

He is so right I don't even dare to pretend other ways. I can not. I've been hiding things from him. Can't really do that either. He reads me like a book.

\- Since when you haven't eaten?

He knows it's not just about the heat. He knows I'm stronger than that. Burnt skin is obvious but without it I would only be terrifyingly pale. I never had dark circles in my life. I always look fresh and young. I have never looked like this. And being so exhausted isn't just because of walking out in the sun but... now that I think about it, I haven't been eating for weeks! But he doesn't need to know that.

\- I take good care of myself, thank you. And I eat properly. So you don't have to worry. You can go now.

\- And... did you take that walk alone in the middle of the day?

Could this be it? He must know who I spend my time with. Does it bother him? The fact that I keep seeing the same guy makes him... jealous? Could he feel such a thing? Worrying about his territory getting invaded?

\- Since when do you care who I spend my time with? Are you jealous, Maxsys? Is that it? I love it when you get possessive.

I try to be sexy but all I can do is make him feel petty I guess, which only makes him more angry because feeling this way gets him out of his comfort zone.

\- You can not love anything in this state or in any other one.

\- Come on, you know me, I do crazy things all the time, that's why you love me so much.

\- Why haven't you been eating, Selena?

I have no way out it seams. I'm out of answers and definitely out of patience.

\- I wasn't in the mood, OK? I'm on a diet! Just leave me alone already? Why did you even come?

Trying to get out of it, I ended up getting trapped in my own lies. Now he knows I am hiding something and he's never going to leave me alone. And I do not have the energy to resist his interrogation. I can barely keep my eyes open. I am so exhausted. I've been making a mistake after another lately, let myself carried around more than ever. I am the victim now. What I do to humans, give them magic moments and taking all their energy in return, leaving them with just a sweet dizziness, it all happened to me. I let myself fall, I allowed myself to feel things. Me! Maxsys's creation, raised to have no emotions not so ever, I have let myself be fooled by a human!

He was buried in sketches supposed to look just like me, all beautiful women, some even more beautiful than I am, some perfectly proportioned. The same... me. Different postures, different looks, clothes I'd never wear or no clothes at all, expressing all these emotions, every emotion a woman could ever feel, but a vampiress would never. There was still something missing. That something in my eyes. That... evil spark. The magic. That desire I make them feel. What they imagine when they look at me. What they think. That missing piece is actually only in their head. That's why it can't be put on paper. It might not even be the same for everyone. He guessed it was something this subtle, but he could never find out what it really was. How could he have? Unless... a kiss happened.

It isn't such a big deal after all. I mean I'm still going to feed on him and then make him forget all about it. He can't go around and talk about it unless he wants to continue his career in a mental institution. Everything's fine and perfectly under control. I just don't want Maxsys to rush things out. I wanna play a little more. It's something about him that made me feel a bit guilty about the way I usually act and even caused me a... temporary loss of appetite for food and for infinite powers. Could I be sick? Time spent together though has become very interesting for me lately as well as walking outside in the daylight. Being with him makes me forget about other things. Being this greedy, of course I didn't stopped when I should have! Right now I am extremely tired and hungry and sunburnt, but as soon as I take a little nap I will make a phone call and my dinner will be served to me in bed. Literally. I'll get on my feed in no time and take care of my problems by myself. Like I always do.

\- I was going to give you this... And don't think you can hide something from me, which means 'I totally know you are hiding something but I refuse to lose my precious time with nonsenses right now'.

Maxsys never gets scared by screams, especially by mines, and he doesn't give up easily. Actually he never gives up. So this is something to be continued. But he knows he has nothing to worry about. I am this capricious. I have never ate or slept or done anything by the clock, but I have always taken good care of myself until now. He was disappointed when he left. I must have ruined some plans he had. Of course he expected me to be nicer to him after getting me a present. I fell asleep smiling.

A knife!? The golden jewel that was thrown on my bed that I'm holding right now as I'm making a phone call is a knife! Sure, a very fancy one, incredibly old and probably very expensive, but what the hell am I supposed to do with a knife? I have my own 'weapons' which I can't wait to use as soon as my guest arrives.

VI - Pizza

I like this relationship. That's why it lasts. Not many do. I like its simplicity. He doesn't make me any problems at all. We only meet on occasions, so we don't get to get bored. A girl needs variety to her menu but still there are some dishes you would have again after a while. He is so... easy. And always available for me. Like pizza. I can always order in. He never says no to me. And he doesn't ask questions. He would believe anything I say (or pretend to believe, just like I do) because neither one of us actually cares about the other's life. We just like to spend time together once in a while. I answer his calls too, almost as promptly as he does. I go with him to different places, make his friends jealous and get a nice snack in return. We have fun together, I take care to 'make him forget' just the part where I feed on him and leave the memory of some great moments that worth the time, good time, good food, good sex, no questions, no problems, we both win. We have came to... appreciate each other.

He is so sweet sleeping next to me! Damn it, now I have to wait for him to wake up so I can kick him out of here! I can't wait to take Jim out on a real date, show him how it's done, not that survival test of his (walking around in the sun)!

\- Hey, I was supposed to take care of you, put you to sleep and all…

\- Don't worry, you were great, I feel better already. I took the medicines you brought (and threw them away of course)...

I told him I had a bit of sunstroke and I wasn't in the mood to go out of the house but that I could use his company. He knew exactly what I meant but still brought me some medicines like he cared. So thoughtful of him.

\- You look so much better. How long did I sleep?

\- A few hours, you always sleep well when you are with me.

\- I don't know how you do it, but actually you have that effect on me. I'd love to stick around but I really have to go now. I can't believe it's this late already.

\- Some jealous girlfriend waiting for you?

Probably, from his reaction. Lucky for him I couldn't care less and take his lies for an answer so I can throw some dress on myself and meet someone I am interested in. Dinner was delicious, dessert is missing though.

VII - And Snacks

\- You're glowing…

He watches me with fascination as I take back my place at the table. We're dining at one of the best restaurants in town. Who said painters are poor? I can afford anything I want (Maxsys gives me anything including money to spend, all in exchange for the blood I send home) but I let Jim pay for me so he can feel good about himself. I can see fame tickles his growing ego and I've also noticed he likes to put me on display when we go out. I don't mind at all. I seem to have a weakness for arrogant men.

In the meantime, my new favorite activity is playing, with his mind especially. I put all his limits to the test like he's my lab rat. And he's responding surprisingly well. The poor thing!

\- I... just had a little snack. I sure didn't _have to_ do this now and most certain he didn't have to know about it, but why not have some more fun while we still can? It is something completely new to me too, so I wait for his answer with all my senses in alert. I never saw a man's reaction when seeing our... customs or our world in general. It is a great experiment! Funny though, if everybody would react this good about it, why are we still keeping it low?

\- Right!... So, what do we do now? Run away? He asks visibly tormented. We have to go, don't we? He's nervous and mostly he seems to regret the fact that we have to leave our perfect set up for the night, the nice restaurant and that stake on his plate he was so attracted to. He's not mad though, he doesn't judge me. He's not angry with me, not even the way you would be on a kid doing something nasty and I don't think he sees me like an animal unable to control its reactions. Oh, Jim, you clearly passed the test, you never fail to amaze me…

\- And miss the dessert? Not in a million years! it's my favorite part!

\- It's the only one you touch…

\- That would ruin the night. We definitely don't want that, do we? But why would we leave? And why are you so concerned about? I told you, I gotta feed, no one can't survive without food. I just told you how bad I felt after not feeding for weeks before tonight.

\- You think nobody's gonna find him... It's gonna be chaos in here! there's nothing that will lead them to you, right?

He is so strong! And sweet! He worries about me. He thinks I have just killed someone and he is ok with that. The only thing he worries about is me getting caught! This is amazing! I love this guy!

He is something!

\- The only chaos is in your head, I smile to him. I haven't killed anyone, Jim. The guy is fine.

A new and strange desire gets created in my mind and somehow I feel the need to explain myself to him. And what if our worlds can coexist? What if we could understand each other, respect each other and just live together in... peace and harmony?

\- You have to understand, Jim. Look. This is how it works: he'll only imagine that he just had great sex with an irresistible stranger but that he had too much champagne to remember all the details.

I watch him starting to finally breathe again as the joy and laughter come back to our table.

So, I've decided to be impulsive for once. I just had to have this. My dinner wasn't enough after all those days of hunger. I felt so good with him drinking champagne, watching him eat and waiting patiently for my dessert. It was too good not to be perfect! So I left my boyfriend(?) and went for a little adventure. After all it wasn't even fair! He was enjoying his stake while my stomach was still half empty. And maybe our world could make peace for once and be together under the same roof. So I took justice into my own hands and made things right with a charming young man who was a little drunker than he thought but as drunk as I convinced him he was.

\- I bet he'll be more careful with his drinks from now on.

\- So did you...? He tries to control his nerves but more his jealousy this time.

\- No, I did not! I just have the power of making people think what I want them to think.

\- Ah! He breaths more at ease now and I can see he is happier to find out that I did'n have sex with someone alse then he was when I told him I didn't kill the man. Well, I guess everything's all right then, isn't it?

\- Sure, calm down, the guy's fine, the restroom is not all covered in blood (why would I've wasted so much anyway?), no one is dead. I know so much better than that. Can we go back to our romantic dinner now?

\- I'm not sure how I feel about you going to the restroom with another man while we're on a date though... He's finally joking! And his stake gets back all of his attention now. Thank God it's almost over so dessert can come to the stage!

\- Yeah, I must confess that I'm a bit jealous too. That stake definitely gets more attention that I do... Do you know that in our world it's gross eating animals? especially dead ones, that's too much…

He suddenly loses his interest for that piece of meat and his plate is taken away from him. I can't wait for that chocolate mousse I ordered, I continue my theory while I look around to see when it's coming.

\- ...but since we both agree food had an essential role in our existence…

\- Do you use your powers on me? You could easily convince me that we live on Mars right now. I think I would agree to anything you say…

He's joking, but I can't let him make jokes about his subject.

\- I never used my powers on you! But you are a quick learner... and I put my smile back on, then I make it a large one as I get so excited to finally see my chocolate coming.

\- Now she's a cold blooded murderer, one second later she's a child craving for chocolate, begging to have dessert... can anyone resist you?

\- Not that I know of, I answer playfully, licking the chocolate of my lips. But just so you know, I haven't kill someone since I was a teenager. I can keep my temper…

\- But you can not keep your manners whenever you have a plate full of chocolate in front of you, he smiles watching me licking my fingers.

VIII - New Toys

\- I can see you are looking better.

\- I always look amazing.

\- Is this what that painter of yours tells you?

He is jealous after all!

\- This is what everybody tells me. Don't you agree now? I dare him as I start unbuttoning my dress. Well, let me reassure you then…

I start undoing my buttons one by one. He is looking at me quietly with a poker face, no expression at all, not a blink, like he doesn't get it, like my gesture would be so out of place, absurd even! I won't let him intimidate me. I don't let myself discouraged. I want him now and when I want something I get it. Always. No exception. Not even for him.

\- So? Am I attractive enough? What do you think? I ask disarmingly brave?

But he turns his back on me! What? No way he's getting away with this! I am not going to stand here naked waiting for him to give me an answer. So I go after him in the bedroom steaming mad ready to make him answer for the way he's treating me. He is waiting for me, calm and patient and he's holding... the knife he gave me!?

\- You didn't tell me what you're thinking? Am I attractive enough?

\- I'm thinking of trying our new toy out…

\- Ah, so it's a toy... really? How does it work then?

He's holding me so strong, so warm, I gave in to his embrace. I feel so safe and so god damn vulnerable in his arms. His lips go up and down my skin, but it's the touch of the knife the one that makes me shiver. The shiny cold blade marks its way on my body, leaving a delightful blood trail starting on my left breast, a bit bumpier on my ribs just to be lost low on my hip, just under his kissing lips. Caresses, kisses, pain and comfort, life and death...

No one can make me feel the way he does. I get tired though. Of being read like a book. Of being known by heart. Even when he surprises me and he does it so god damn perfectly it's like he knew my every reaction before it happened. Like I'm an easy game to him. It bothers me. No matter how my ego makes me want to perfect myself, become better, never being appreciated doesn't help much. I am perfectly aware of my skills and I never waste an opportunity to show off, but the fact that he does not appreciate me enough has stopped motivating me long time ago. It just makes me sad now. I feel discouraged, disappointed. He makes me doubt. And when I have doubts I stop being strong. It makes me vulnerable. I am always vulnerable with him no matter how strong I may look. It's awful having someone who knows you so well! I feel like he molded my body and my mind so he knows all the time what I think or what I am about to do. Of course I react the way he wants me to! Of course he anticipates every move I make. He programmed me so he is able to manipulate me however he likes. This makes me so angry! He knows exactly how to fix me when I get broken and he can ruin my whole world in just a second. Comforting? Dangerous? Annoying! Sometimes I don't even know if I should trust him or be afraid of him... No, I can't be afraid. And I don't like hiding things from him either. He's like... my conscience or something. He knows it all. Like he could read my mind. And what if all these secrets, all of these feelings would come back at me one day? What would happen then?

I hate this! I wish I could be like him, so hard to read, untouchable, so strong. I wish I could take him by surprise just once, take him off guard. This will never happen though. I must make peace with the idea that there is one man in this world I will never be able to beat. I will never exceed him. Not even close. What's the point then? If the student can't exceed his master doesn't that mean he's not good enough? What am I? Am I not just a puppet in his hands, just a peon on his sick game? It is hard to live knowing there's superior species out there that are way better than you.

But what if I stop trying? Would that mean admitting I'm a loser? What are the rules of this game? May be I am allowed to make mistakes or may be this isn't my path. What if I am capable of feeling emotions that Maxsys doesn't even know? What if this isn't a path of death but one of life? Maybe it's worth trying. Maybe all of the joy, the happiness the emotions, the life lived on the road are worth the unhappy ending no matter how tragic that might be. I have lost things before. I survived.

I think I'm gonna disappoint my creator. At least I know I will surprise him for once. Or may be not... Who knows? Does he already know? Does he know what I'll do? I wish I did...

\- When you mix water and fire though... Well things get complicated. This is you. Humans. Always something boiling. Air instead... you might say it's clear, transparent, easy but if you add water there will be fog, if you light a fire it will make smoke and just as that things aren't clear anymore. I can't see things clear anymore, Jim. I have no idea what I'm made of. Things were always simple for me. I had no doubts, I knew exactly what to do, how to react to any situation. I was taught all this. Maxys taught me all of these things. They are all lies! He sees me like some experiment or something! I was thinking he finds me fascinating when I was nothing but a freak. How could I fall this much? How could I get so high?

\- I think you still have reasons to be grateful to him…

I _forgot_ to tell Jim some details about Maxsys like his looks or how we show our love and respect to one another in this little family of ours. I wonder if he would have been this conciliatory if I had told him that.

\- I know nothing about gratefulness, Jim. Nor about love. I have no feelings.

\- What about that fire he said he saw in you?

\- Probably just one of his metaphors... he never explained it to me. Anyways what can you see in the eyes of a desperate child, really? I had just lost my mother, lost everything, had no idea what was going to happen to me, had no one to protect me anymore. I was all alone in a place of darkness. My mom used to take such good care of me. She was somebody and I was going to be too. I had a bright future ahead of me and then the next day I had nothing at all, not even a shoulder to cry on. So I didn't. All that pain I turned it into strength so I was able to resist in life so I gained power over my life, the power of choosing what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, the power of being different and not listening to some stupid rules that told me I was supposed to start making kids already. I became a force, the best of my kind. I am famous at home, you know? There are people there wishing they could meet me one day. But he... he is not proud of me! He is proud of himself. He thinks it's just because he taught me so well, like I had nothing to do with it, like I am just some project.

\- I'm sure it's not like that. Maybe he is just having a hard time showing his feelings or maybe from some reason he thinks he shouldn't.

\- We don't have many feelings, not the way you have them. With us things happen from selfish reasons. We don't feel like that, we are so calm. I used to be that calm... before you came into my life!

\- Well in this case I think you were having a terribly boring life before I came up…

\- How dare you? You have no idea what you are talking about!

\- Life is to be lived, Selena, to the maximum, not to watch it passing by so you don't get hurt or ruffle your dress. You must know agony so you know when you are blissful, you must be sad before you are happy. Of course it's easier to stay in between, never feeling anything to the fullest, but this is just being a coward and trust me it's not worth it. You are missing so many things just to stay on the bench watching your own life from outside, from a safe place…

\- Go away!

\- ...?

\- Seriously, you must leave now. Just stay away from me!

\- Really? And why is that? Why do I have to go?

\- Don't test my patience, Jim, you have no idea what I'm capable of!

\- I am not afraid of you, Selena. You can make me feel lots of things but fear is not one of them. Sorry.

\- I demand you to go!

\- You can demand things in your world, dear, but here you're on my territory and - guess what? - nobody tells me what to do.

Blood was boiling inside my veins. This was the first time in my life that I felt anger. I've stood up for myself in the past, tickled my ego, showed off a little, but I haven't really been angry before. Not like this.

My fists were clenched, my muscles strained, my lips were trembling. I felt I could kill him just by looking at him. But he just stood there in front of me, looking me in the eyes, standing up tall, defying me! Like no one ever did…

I was about to explode and I would have just eliminated him in a second, without even thinking... about how much I would have missed him, or that it would've been an unequal fight.

Then he tells me on a low voice almost whispering like he had just make some great discovery:

\- Bite me.

\- You know who you're talking to, right? Don't try reverse psychology with me. You have no idea what I can do to your mind.

\- Bite me, he repeats, tempting me this time.

\- Don't dare me! I scream. And get out of here, you stupid human!

The next second his shirt is on the floor. He is still there, waiting patiently. He just stands still, like a lamb ready to be sacrificed. And I feel pity for him. Again.

\- I know you want it. You must be hungry, it's been a while…

His naked chest makes me shiver. I can feel his pulse just by looking at him. Some strange warmth takes over my body. I feel so weak I think I'm about to find out what fainting feels like. An avalanche of sensations hits me making me dizzy, then suddenly I get so incredibly cold. A human could definitely keep me warm and his blood would help me recover all the energy I've lost fighting so many battles in my mind...

His flesh attracts me like a magnet but I simply can not move.

I feel like I'm not able to get to him even if there are only a few steps between us. I just stand here staring at him. Wanting him badly.

So he comes to me offering himself, ready to be sacrificed, with dignity though, looking me in the eyes, still teasing me, still tempting me but in a totally different way, a way that I can't resist, even though I am not so sure he will still be alive after all this.

So my lips meet his skin. He is warm and young and he tastes like life does.

My fangs went deep, I heard him moan and the blood came out like a little spring. Sweet as... love. So I fed myself with love and passion and... care. I managed to stop as soon as I felt satisfied and I gave him a taste of pleasure of my lips. Then from a kiss to another the world started rearranging itself. Our clothes fell off and our bodies got together. Water and fire and air got mixed somewhere on earth or in a dream or in between.

\- But if you put them in the right order you can get a rainbow.

I didn't need him to explain it to me. I understood right away. Using air, water and fire, you can create perfection. So this was love, at least ours was, a rainbow, perfect shape, perfect colors, perfect timing, perfect mix, untouchable, unstoppable, never-ending. A fucking perfect rainbow.

IX - Ultimatums. Violence and Pain

\- But the costume makes the clown. If you expect me to fail and you are so sure I'll make mistakes may be you push me to make them. May be I would have made them anyway, but still, may be you're the one who's wrong, have you ever thought about it?

\- Maybe I want you to make mistakes, have you ever thought about it?

\- Stop patronizing me! What do you want from me? Just tell me and I'll do it!

\- I want your painter dead, would you do that for me? I want his blood in crystal glasses tonight at dinner to drink it together while celebrating your new... position.

\- What position? I managed to ask while trying to convince myself that I wasn't hearing right.

\- Prove you deserve it and you'll find out.

\- But…

Of course he wasn't even there to hear me finish my sentence. He never is.

It happens sometimes to look in the mirror and ask ourselves who the hell is that person staring back at us. This is where I am now. I don't panic though, like I used to. In time, in so much time, you learn to take things differently. I do feel frustrated, I do feel lost and disappointed in me, betrayed even. My own powers were supposed to work for me, not against me. They were supposed to keep me from becoming vulnerable! Yes, I was wrong, once again... it's not like it's the first time, is it? I was wrong many times before and who knows how many times I will be wrong again? So I'm not who I thought I was, I miscalculated. I will go over it. I sure will in the next couple hundred years. It hurts, but I know to appreciate pain. I have come to appreciate many things…

I just need a few days by myself to figure things out, to figure out who I became. I have plenty of days. There was a time when I used to be scared of all the time I have left to live, when I wanted to just put an end to it all, but now I know better than that. Now I know how to use time in my favor. We have become friends now me and good old time. Maxsys taught me patience. It was a hard to swallow pill at first but then I made it a habit and I discovered time always acts in our favor and it heals almost everything and there's a big 'almost' over there…

I've learned to hide and wait for the wounds to heal by themselves. This is what I am trying to do on this sofa. I've hidden myself in these comfy Pj's, I am holding a cup of hot chocolate. I am here watching a bad movie making all the efforts to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I fight the sorrow, hold on to the sadness. I wait for it to go away. It will pass. I have plenty of time. But then what? When it will be all over, who will I be then? Or what?

I used to be proud of myself, of who I thought I was, principles I thought I had, the image I have created for myself in my mind... I was proud of my world, my kind, our way of living. It is hard to build a new world, so damn hard to build it on the grave of an old one.

We all seem to need to belong to something no matter how independent we claim to be. I am so alone. I have nobody to belong to. It's just me. And there's nothing left for me to believe in, nothing to fight for. I will have to start all over again, build a new kingdom for me. I will figure out who I want to be.

Like I said, I was wrong. I am not the one I thought I was, not that strong, not that smart, maybe not even that beautiful. So our world isn't indestructible and we aren't invincible like I thought. We all have more flaws than I thought and nothing is what it seems, not even me. I am nothing but a stupid girl going through life for nothing! All these hundreds of years taught me nothing! I feel pity for myself and hate myself at the same time. I fully deserve it! Everything that's happening to me, I deserve it!

The movie can't keep my mind busy any more. I must find something else to do, something a bit more interesting, so I start walking around the house. It's getting dark already but I don't feel like going out. I don't even want to eat. I'd rather feel weak. I have to much energy already. I am not able to calm down and think. I need to think and figure things out, make a new plan... new plan for what? What am I trying to do now? How could I get free of all this anger?

\- You stupid...! My face breaks into pieces and falls on the floor as mirror shards. My left fist starts bleeding, then the wound disappears. Good. That's interesting enough. Let's play a little. Physical pain seems to distract me for the moment. What a shame it lasts so little though. I walk over the shards. One piece gets deep into my skin. Pain tickles my heart. I sit down on the carpet and I am sorry to pull the thing out of my feet. The wound heals and the pain stops leaving just a few red drops on the floor. Then other drops join them. The right wrist is bleeding beautifully. I enjoy the colors as I keep moving the shred up my arm. I could make paintings too. The shred stops walking around but it goes deeper and deeper now into my right arm and my left hand fingers at the same time.

\- You stupid little creature! Have you ever seen a vampire dying from cutting his veins?

It is true, vampires do not die from losing too much blood and their wounds heal very fast. Of course I'll dye if you put a bullet through my head or if you literally break my heart but wounds that don't affect my vital organs will heel in a few seconds or minutes depending on how deep they are. We also die of hunger. This is a long agonizing process where you fully get to taste death. It was used centuries ago as a death conviction. Water is something we do not need or like. My showers are very quick and I never had a bath or a drink of water in my life. I don't have time to think about these things as Maxsys's hand is brutally grabbing my hair getting me up from the floor so that he can look me in the eyes.

\- Is isn't death I'm looking for... I answer calmly. I can't be bothered to be scared or even surprised by him showing up again like this or by this aggressive behavior of his I have never seen before. I am not in the mood to be taken by surprise. I don't care. And I don't have the energy to fight him.

He keeps me up with my toes barely touching the carpet. The shred I was playing with falls down along with the last few drops of my blood. Fun's over. He's probably gonna put me to bed now…

My scalp is hurting bad. So I frown at him finally looking at him and raising an eyebrow.

He is furious. If I would think straight I would get scared. I have never seen him like this. But now I don't care. He lied to me too.

\- What are you looking for then? Pain? He asks ironically as his fist hits me against the wall.

\- Is this what you are looking for? Oh, honey, I can give you pain…

I don't even know what hit me in the first place when an other hit surprises me as I drain down the wall.

\- What the h...? I try to come to my senses when I feel my ribs breaking under the pressure of his right fist. Some invisible force throws me over the glass coffee table I had in the living room, which breaks under my weight. I guess it cut my skin cause red stains appear on my white Pj's. I don't try to stand up any more.

\- Are you done yet?

\- Not even close, he answers as he grabs my hair again with a strange strength I didn't really know about. We will go on in a second. He breaks all my buttons at once just to take a piece of glass out of my belly leaving a small wound to close.

His gaze is overwhelming.

\- How dare you leave a man like that? He screams shaking me like I was some rag. How dare you, he asks hitting me again. His fist makes my eye black and blue and he gets to see so many colors until it gets back to normal.

Ok, done. I've had enough pain. I am wide awake. It all makes sense now. I can see things clearly. I roll over fighting to get free, but all I can do is lose my clothes trying. One second later we are bought on the floor. Pieces of glass get in an out my back under Maxsys's weight. I bite my lip till it bleeds. He kisses it until it heals. His hands are still holding my hair, my nails cover his back in scratches.

Pain and violence definitely have their place in the world. I feel... liberated.

I am exhausted though. I am not sure I can get off the floor even though he's not holding me down anymore.

\- I hate you, I whisper. He is already standing, dressed up and all.

\- I know, I love you too.

He never said this to me, not even as a joke.

I roll over trying to get up off the floor while he disappears like usual. I swear as the glass pieces cause me an unwanted pain this time, than I manage to stand and walk to the bedroom which wasn't touched by the storm that hit the rest of the house. I find my clean sheets very appealing and I crash on the bed trying to forget about everything.

Maxsys always knew how to reset me even if this meant breaking me to pieces and then putting them back together again, one by one. He created me after all. And I think he did pretty good. I can't see anything wrong with me so... I am proud of who I am because of him and now I am sure he doesn't have any regrets either. I know I would have been so boring if I was absolutely perfect, so I am glad he sprinkled some little flaws over my charming character to spice things up.

I don't really believe in evolution. I think we are complete from the beginning. Maxsys grew in me the patience he appreciates so much along other virtues he likes, then I continued his work as I thought it was best. I kept going down this road he showed me. But there are plenty of roads out there waiting to be explored and we have to try them all or at least as many as we can in this life. This is how we get to see different sides of us at different stages of our life. We are all made of 'good' and 'bad' as well. There is nothing wrong with going through all of the characters you can be. This is what you are supposed to do, how you are supposed to grow and learn. I sure did embrace those qualities I liked best in me, but closing the other ones off must have been a mistake. I was lying to the world and myself pretending I wasn't all those too. So I surprised myself being doubtful sometimes and vulnerable... I had those in me too. I just pretended I didn't. So I can be weak and scared and... capable of love?

Is this even love? I used to deny this feeling really existed. I used to not let myself try this kind of trips on this dangerous paths of my universe. But why? Why stop here? Why limit myself to what I already know? I will get bored anyways eventually. I want to go further away on this path, I want to know more, explore more, I want a closer look at this feeling. I know I have the strength to recover myself after any failure. I don't doubt that. I just discovered that I am able to give, care, feel. So let's do this. Big way. How much can I hurt? How much love can I feel? How wrong can I be?

I want to know. I want more. I'm gonna take my chances. I can do it. I wanna fly and if I fall I will rise again stronger than ever. I'm gonna give myself this experience. I need this to be able to grow. And a kiss is just as exciting as the start of a war. I have fun playing with someone's mind and I literally melt when Maxsys just looks at me in a certain way. This is who I am. I am so much more than a portrait.

Will I get hurt? For sure. Will he? Of course, but we all need it don't we?

X - Bad Decisions

The day has come to an end. The sky just started bleeding. I am about to finish putting my makeup on. I color my lips in red too. I am absolutely charming. Here I come.

I am not taking anything with me. I want to start a brand new life. I have packed only dreams and hopes in my suitcase. I need it though. As some kind of passport. For some reason Jim wants me to bring a suitcase with me. So I do it. He thinks this will make me stay. He doesn't know that things mean nothing to me. Maybe he doesn't know that nothing can stop me. The only reason I would stay somewhere is because I want to. He gave me an ultimatum. They both did. I had to choose. So I did. I made a decision. A bad one for sure like I always do.

The taxi takes me far away. I enjoy the ride. I am not in a hurry to reach my destination. I would like it to last longer actually. The driver stopped trying to have a conversation and I can be in peace now. I like the quiet and I enjoy every minute of it until eagerness finally gets to me and starts punching me in my stomach. My heart fights back though. It beats so much faster. And we're there. The car stops and so does my heart for a second or so.

I pay the driver and get out of the car. No, I don't need help with my luggage. My hopes are many but light as feathers and also they could get carried away by the wind just as easy. The cab leaves and I am left all alone to handle them. It's already dark and it's so nice outside. I don't see any light through the windows. I wish I could wait on these stairs for a while. I would like to stay outside a little longer. It feels like I belong here. I am here to stay. I knock at the door. The noise clutters my thoughts. I can't hear any movement inside. I wait. Then knock again. He turns the light on. I hear him coming. The door is open and I get dizzy all of a sudden. It stinks like a brewery in there. The smell troubles my senses, but I quickly make a wise decision. He doesn't seem to need someone to scold him and I have to admit I kinda like seeing him like this knowing I am the reason why he's been drinking so much. I realize I lost track of time. I don't know how many days passed since I last saw him.

It doesn't matter anymore.

\- You knew didn't you? You were so sure I was going to come you are already celebrating…

He is so shocked to see me he is not even able to answer. And I don't give him time. I put down my suitcase and go to the living room pretending not to see the mess. His house almost looks like what I left back home. I go straight to the bottle of whiskey. I struggle to face the smell and poor me a glass.

\- That's alright, I don't mind you started without me as long as you still have enough for both of us. I smile seeing the empty bottles on the floor.

He barely moved. He is tormented and shocked and dizzy. He must be wondering if I am for real or if he is seeing things. He's sweet but I don't let him know. I put the glass on the coffee table so I can take off my coat.

\- Come on, aren't you going to drink with me? I ask as I lean to take back my glass showing off my decolletage (you never know when you need a back up plan).

He comes closer wobbling. His messy hair drives me crazy.

\- Should I pour you a grass? Or do you wanna keep drinking right from the bottle?

He lets himself fall on the couch and keeps looking at me like he's seeing ghosts.

\- But you don't drink... the smell…

\- Now I do. Here, I hand him the bottle. Cheers!

He just watches me as I drink my glass to the bottom, holding my breath of course because strong smells are torturing me (this is where garlic stories are coming from). Fuck, it burns! I like it though, in a sick funny way... but I pretend I don't feel a thing.

\- Don't you drink?

\- I don't think I can keep up with you. He puts down the bottle. He still thinks I have some explaining to do and I think he thinks now is the right time for me to do it…

He forced my hand telling me to only come here with my suitcase. And I think I kept him waiting for quite some time. His honesty always makes me leave my guard down. So I hug him and kiss him and feel safe. Life becomes easy right away. We lay down and he falls asleep like a child. I definitely can't sleep. It's noon to me. I watch him sleep for a while.

I hear his breathing. I wonder what he's dreaming. He is so young and strong and alive! My teeth left a mark on his neck that isn't completely healed. Aw! And to think that not so long ago I was going to erase his memories with me as soon as I had tasted his sweet blood... and a few days ago I was thinking about what Maxsys said, that he wanted us to drink all of his blood.

Seeing the way the mark looks I think a few days have passed. And he did nothing but drinking since then. I can not believe the things I do! And the ones I can't do any more! It isn't right that I hurt him like this. I don't see any other way though. We need each other. Now there's no turning back. Maybe we both have some debts to pay. Maybe it's karma. Let's suffer together then. Let's be happy together. For better and worst they say... I made my decision. I can't sit here anymore. Seeing him so defenseless, so lost in my arms with that bruise on his neck has woken me up.

So I start wondering around the house. I conquer his bedroom. His bed isn't made. I see the bathrooms. I float like a shadow through his work room trying not to touch anything. Then I go outside. The cold air hugs me right away. The wind plays with my hair. I try to make friends with the old oak tree in the yard. We still have a long way to go, but we accept each other for now. Respect each other. I play around with the idea that we're the same age. I fantasize about a lot of things. It feels so good being here, I feel free, in peace at last, like all my worries just vanished. It's like wonderland to me, like the childhood I never had, when the presence of a powerful creature makes the oak tree crackle his branches. A shadow comes out of the dark. Maxsys of course.

\- What did you think, that you could run away, that I won't find you here?

\- I never run from danger, Max (I call him like this deliberately, trying to show him that I am not afraid of him, even if he kinda frightens me now).

\- So that's what I am to you now, danger you say... I wonder how this happened.

He's got me. And he didn't come in peace. He doesn't tolerate my jokes. He isn't smiling to my bravery. He's cold like a stone.

\- May be when you beat the hell out of me, I say.

\- Oh, honey, I think you're blowing it out of proportions. I never thought you were that sensitive. Anyways I owed you a good spanking since you were a kid. You were such a brat. Plus, I was left with the impression that you kind of... liked it? Eventually?

He is so right it makes me wanna scream! I still get chills thinking about that night. I open my mouth to answer, but my lips just freeze when he touches them. His finger feel unnaturally hot.

\- Didn't you? His warm fingers start wondering all over my tense body. They touch my legs, then hips until they get under my dress warming me up, making the cold go away, making everything go away.

The oak tree keeps cracking to wake me up. It's like a nightmare I want to wake up from. I want to scream, but I can't.

\- Hush. You don't want to wake up your boyfriend, do you? He looked so tired. Lets go inside. You must be freezing here.

Cold shivers go down my spine. I obey like I'm hypnotized. We go up the stairs and he asks me to go into the bedroom like he owned it. It's like my mind doesn't respond any more. I do not react like I don't even want to, like I'm trapped in this nightmare.

\- Take a seat, he whispers. And an invisible force makes me sit on the bed. Strangely the bed is made now perfectly. He keeps coming closer and closer to me until I get in the middle of the bed trying to keep the distance. I jerk when his hands grab my feet to stop me.

\- You should take your shoes off before you go to bed, haven't I thought you that? Hm! It seems I did a few mistakes while teaching you manners. He murmurs while gently taking my boots off.

I am literally trembling in his hands as I keep losing all of my clothes. His suit stays perfectly in its place.

I'm nothing but a puppet in his hands. How can someone control me like he does? Without using his strength and actually with no threat at all, he managed to get me out of my clothes and in this bed that belongs to my new boyfriend who is sleeping in the other room, in this house I don't even know yet. This is so wrong. But I am still not able to resist him. So he sits next to me and takes me in his arms.

\- What are you doing? I ask rhetorically. What do you want from me?

He caresses my face and looks me in the eyes.

\- No one else has this power over you, no one knows you like I do, no one has control…

I didn't hear the rest... I dreamed he kissed me on my forehead.

XI - Vampiric Heaven

\- I should get used to the idea that you will never fail to surprise me, not even when you sleep. First, I got up having the feeling that last night was all a dream, that I imagined it or something.

\- That's understandable, I smile still laying in bed.

\- Then I come to my senses, convince myself it was real, but I can't find you anywhere. Then I find your suitcase. Empty!

Oh! why I got the feeling he got it all wrong? I am sure he misunderstood the reasons I brought an empty suitcase.

\- Only to find your clothes in perfect order in my dressing room.

Wait, what? This wasn't part of the plan... Oh, Maxsys, of course. He always brings me the clothes I need so I don't need to go shopping since I don't have the patience for it and I have so much trouble finding something my size. Sure the bed wasn't the only thing he tidied up. Apparently he didn't come empty handed either. But why would he do that? Generosity? I strongly doubt it. Is this his way of letting me go? Or does it mean he is going to keep haunting me?

\- Sorry, you were saying...?

\- ...it must have took you all night to put all that clothes in order. What I don't get is how the hell did you manage to make them all fit in a suitcase... and why did you put it back at the entry?

\- Oh, I thought we must get rid of it, since I don't need it anymore.

Brilliant!

\- Then I found you in here sleeping like a baby and naked. What a fascinating image! I stayed here watching you sleep. I can't get enough of you! What are you? It took me an hour to even move!

And where would that dressing room be? That idea I had not to bring anything with me as poetical as it was... it's stupid! I need to put some clothes on.

Wow! Surprised for the second time today and I only woke up a few minutes ago. It is huge! Jim's closet is heaven on earth. Are all these clothes mine? The architect of this house must be a woman. But what did Jim need such a dressing room for? His clothes don't take a quarter of this dressing room. I can't wait to try them on! I have absolutely everything here: shoes, sandals, all kinds of accessories, bags and purses, dresses, skirts, trousers, tops, pj's, the finest lingerie I've ever seen…

Third surprise. The kitchen smells amazing. Coffee, chocolate cupcakes and a sexy smile!

\- I don't know much about what food you like, but I knew for sure chocolate is on top of your list.

\- You are on top of my list, but cupcakes come close.

I must have died and got to vampiric heaven, clothes, coffee, cupcakes and this incredible handsome guy, what else could I wish for?

Enthusiasm comes and goes and so are my days lived in this new heaven of mine. I lost count. I don't know how long I've been here. It's like time itself decided to take a vacation. It's that feeling of security I love to the bones. Since Maxsys stopped showing up it's been so quiet. I feel so alive. It isn't fulfillment because fulfillment implies some sort of pride, some accomplishment. I simply don't have to prove anything anymore. It is OK to be just me, whoever I decide to become. I am like a child in a fascinating new world and I am free to explore it without any risk, out of any danger. It must be what they call the joy of living. I eat when I have the chance, sleep whenever I am tired. The whole house is mine to play in it while Jim is working in his workshop, I turn into a princess for him when he opens a new gallery. I use my charms less and I am adapting myself more to this world. I like this new life. Rules seem so simple here. People are so easy to control yet they have so much freedom. Women can have kids and jobs at the same time. I even started thinking to give it a try. I would like to... do something, work somewhere, go to a place, get a little busy, do something useful and meet more humans, get to know them better. Yeah, may be I'll do that when I'll be done with this childhood of mine.

In the meantime, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, of course not cooking. I am mesmerized by this appliances Jim has though. I mean why does him need all this technology to process something as simple as his own food? He cooks sometimes, but this kitchen hasn't revealed itself yet, not even to him. I learned to use the espresso machine which has become my new best friend and I sometimes spoil Jim with fresh juice. Sweet. I discovered it by chance. Not extraordinary, but I like it once in a while. And this is how I got to fruit. Peaches are to dye for. So juicy and the way you eat them, biting them like that... delicious!

This stake though… that Jim left it on the table again, it is a bizarre thing for me. Absolutely no blood left in it and it has all sorts of condiments all over. It is been through water and fire... Why would anyone eat something like this? I wonder what it tastes like. And suddenly I feel the strangest need not to taste it, but to stick my teeth in it just to see how it feels.

I do it like kids do it to their toys. Mm... tender, too tender, but sweet and yet salty and bitter and spicy. I never tasted something so complex. I never tried a cooked meal. I only had desserts until now. But meat is sweet too and it melts in my mouth... Of course I don't like it, I am a vampire, I do not eat dead animals! I don't stop before I empty the plate but I promise myself it won't happen again. Humans have funny tastes too though. I feel like I have made a big step in getting to know them.

The water washing my hands is so clear and it runs so fast nothing can stop it. Its energy is so strong. I remember a time when rivers use to stream freely. I hated washing myself back then but I used to like watching the rivers from a safe distance. They were unstoppable. My hands are clean now and so is my face but my fingers still linger under the water communicating with it.

\- Wait a second! You can't come in here like that! What happened?

\- I want to go swimming…

I just walked in his workshop all wet with my clothes on leaving water marks all over the place. Who says water has no taste? My lips are so sweet right now.

\- And you've been practicing? Where? In the sink?

\- I want you to take me swimming!

\- OK, I got this. We can go, but first you have to change your clothes. May be a bikini?

\- I don't think I have one.

\- We can get you one, but right now I have to finish this painting…

\- I'll wait! I walk all through his workshop leaving water marks all over the place than I crush on the couch.

-Selena!

Then a smile lightens his face.

\- You are only getting things worse. Now I will have to paint you too. This wet dress suit you so…

\- Don't even think about it! You are not a portraitist! Here! You can paint it some other time. Now let's go swimming.

He just stands there in the middle of the workshop holding the wet dress trying not to get anything else wet. He doesn't know what else to do, so he just watches me moving around like a siren.

\- Fine. let's go.

I am already waiting for him. It took me less than a minute to put another dress on. The hair is still wet though. It doesn't matter, I am ready to go.

\- Whatever, we'll stop and get you some stuff, he says when he finally comes down with a bag in his hand. (hm?)

XII - Trying Out New Things

He's been driving for quite some time. I love this rides. And I am so excited about water. I can't wait to feel it, to float in it…

\- I have never been to a pool.

\- I know, but that's not where we're going. If you want water, I'm not gonna throw you in a bathtub. You will have all the water you want and we'll get there in the evening when there's nobody there so you'll get all the splashing you want. You won't even need that bathing suit. We'll get you one tomorrow.

\- Tomorrow? For how long will we be there?

\- Until you are bored.

The beach is beautiful. We admire a wonderful sunset and we see everyone leave. Soon we'll be alone and we'll have the sea to ourselves. I watch people gathering their stuff and leaving, all sorts of people: families with kids, couples... all tanned and tired. This is the life I wanna live, a simple one, filled with moments of joy. I want to be that girl who came to the see for the first time in her life, I want to be that teenager who came with her friends and she thinks she's the one who invented having fun by breaking out a couple of rules when she doesn't know it's all been done before. That young girl holding her boyfriend's hand. That mother carrying her son in her arms. That old couple though, it won't be Jim and I. He won't get to see me old. And the young girl who's holding that old gentleman's arm is sure not doing it for his charms. One pair lingers in my mind though. There was something about it like they had a little bit of everything. A blonde woman held close by a tall man wearing all white. Kind of to covered up if you ask me, not that I have much experience with what you should wear to the beach but of what I've seen... I have no idea why this comes to my mind but I can't help it. I have never seen Maxsys wear something other than a black suit, but it seems like something he would wear to a beach if he would ever have to go to one, not that this might happen.

Night has fallen. The see hugs me and Jim. I taste it with every inch of my body, I love it to the bones. This is so different from what I imagined. It isn't hard at all, it doesn't drawn me. It washes my thoughts away, it heals me. We play together in the water, we lose ourselves into the waves, we find each other. We are reborn. We love each other, we are one, water and fire and air, eternity and ephemeral and this is the best night of my life.

\- Now it's my turn to surprise you. I'll have a stake too.

The restaurant is absolutely perfect. I'm eating meat for the second time today and in my whole life actually... The wine is fruity, we are really happy... I tried a lot of new things today, felt many things. I am fulfilled but exhausted. Even if it's still early for me, I can't wait to go to our room. It's been awhile since I slept in a hotel…

I give Jim the chance to enjoy a long hot shower and take the opportunity to walk a little around the hotel to convince myself that my paranoia is groundless. No strange silhouettes in the dark, no Maxsys in or out of his black suit... It's such a lovely night. It's getting chilly outside and the night has given me some of my energy back. I should go inside. Jim is probably waiting for me.

Yep! He is waiting for me wrapped in a hotel towel and with a very pretty young woman in his arms! Such a wonderful creature! Everything I'm not and I'll never be: beautiful blonde hair, human, tanned, curvy, voluptuous. So, I wasn't seeing things after all! I smile as I figure it all out immediately.

He is having trouble finding his words to explain to me what's 'not' going on. I don't need any explaining though. I will explain this to him later.

\- Selena, right? The blonde asks.

\- You said you knew her!

\- Only by reputation... Nice to finally meet you in person, Selena, I've heard so much about you. I'm Vanessa.

I take her hand and hold it.

\- Hy, Vanessa. How is Max? Everything ok between you two?

Take that Vanessa!

\- Oh, he hates it to be called Max…

\- What? How strange, he used to love it when I did it... I can see he changed his preferences, I say while measuring her from head to toe.

She's astonished. She's left with her mouth open but can't really say anything. Mesmerized. I caress her golden skin, her beautiful blonde curls, her cleavage, left arm till I get to her neck, then gently take a few locks of her hair out of my way and I bite deep right where I should. How delicious! This must be how life tastes like.

\- See? This is what happens when you bring other girls home. I told you to be good.

\- ?!

\- Come on now, help me take her out of these clothes!

\- What?

\- She must think she did what she came to do. This ain't going to happen if she doesn't wake up next to you…

\- Oh, no, no, no, no…

\- You weren't saying no to her…

\- That's exactly what I was saying but she wouldn't listen! She just barged in here while I was still in the shower. At first she was asking for you. When she found out you weren't here she said she was actually looking for me and then you came in. The whole thing didn't took more than a second…

\- Look, Jim, all I ask of you is to sit there in this bed with this gorgeous woman and make her think you slept with her, how is this so difficult?

\- And how am I supposed to do that?

\- It should be easy, I helped a little…

\- Who is this woman after all? Is she a vampire?

\- She's as human as someone can be... She was just... convinced to act so inappropriately.

\- Convinced? By who? Who told her about you?

\- Someone I know…

\- Maxsys.

\- Yep. Come on, let's put her to bed. Wait a moment.

Then I bite one of her hips just to leave a mark there.

\- What the hell was this for?

\- Just signing my work of art... You can find me at the bar. Let me know when she's gone.

\- Wait a minute, are you gonna let me alone with her?

\- Sorry, hon', I can't keep you company. We don't know her preferences. A menage a trois might not be her type of fun as tempting as that sounds. Next time close the door when you take a shower. See you soon.

XIII - Jealousy and Nausea

It's been a few hours. I am not bored yet though. I enjoy being in control, I savor the taste of victory. Now I have the power. I know Jim did nothing wrong but he's not convinced I trust him that much and I let him wonder. Sometimes justice doesn't come the way we expect it to come. That's only because we don't see the whole picture, but in the end, when everything clears out, 'good' and 'bad' are in perfect balance. 'Good' takes over only in fairytales people made out for themselves. Anyways it depends how you define 'good'... In our world balance is good or something like it. It's all a game where you pass the ball from one player to another that keeps us busy in this thing called life. Now it's Maxsys's turn again, while I'm one step ahead having all the answers on hand. It seems easy this time, maybe it's because I am not afraid anymore.

My intuition never fails me.

\- How would you like to find your painter dried out of energy one day?

\- If one of my lovers will ever come to you then you can be sure that's why I've sent him for.

\- What was that mark for? Did you want to know if I slept with her and the exact time when I do it?

\- What about you? Were you testing my ability of making a scene? Did you want to know if I was jealous or not?

\- You are in did kinda jealous lately and not only regarding Jim... you want us both don't you?

\- Yeah, right... Look, MAX, I couldn't care less who you spend your time with as long as you keep your mistresses out of my room but since you don't I won't just stand still.

\- That's exactly what I expected of you. In fact, it was a gift, thought you might be hungry, but you wanted to see me, didn't you? And you didn't drink, even if you were dying to do it, just to send me a message!

\- I was curious what the fuck you want with these silly jokes. Jealous of what? Really? What did you expect? That I was gonna kill them both and come back to you with a broken heart cos a mortal man let me down? Seriously, Maxsys, you must be out of your mind, thought you knew better.

\- No, you're the one who's out of her mind and you should know better than refusing to do the right thing.

\- Don't you dare…

\- Whatever, you can keep IT as a pet... for now. I can see he's not dangerous. So, if you don't have anything else to say to me, I'll let you go tuck him in, he must be getting bored over there all by himself

\- Oh, fuck off!

For the first time he doesn't disappear like he used to. He turns to me instead like he just remembered something, when this is actually what he came here to say:

\- Has this city ran out of blood? I don't think so since you sent back my gift for you... But really? Meat and tomato juice?

Of course I don't get to talk, Maxsys doesn't let anyone interrupt him.

\- Listen, I saw you changed your preferences lately, any other symptoms, like feeling nauseous or something?

I thought it was my stomach not knowing to digest stakes but now that I think about it I have been feeling funny lately. Could I...? No, it can't be! And he's not around to answer my questions anymore, so I'm left alone to struggle with all these doubts he planted in me. This is how much my victory lasted...

The months that followed were tough. The hardest time of my entire existence actually. And it wasn't the physical pain that tortured me the most even if I can't say pain is something I'm used to or that I tolerate easily. The pain has came and gone though, I felt it deeply but it hasn't left scars on my soul. What put my limits to the test was an other kind of pain. I'm not even sure I passed the test. It took me by surprise, found me totally unprepared. And it made me understand all the theories about creation that I've been reading. I went through all: agony and ecstasy, enthusiasm and despair, hope and doubt, fear and excitement. After being absolutely sure that I could never be somebody's mother, I started flirting with this thought and playing all kinds of scenarios in my mind. And no matter how crazy it seemed to give birth to another creature, human or vampire, putting aside all of my fears, a strange new feeling has been awakened in me and it made me like the idea. If only I could make one person happy in this world, then may me my long existence would have a meaning. Now I had a purpose. No matter what my child would be, human or vampire, he or she had to be happy.

XIV - Some Problems in Paradise

I always wished for the world. I still do, but I don't want it for myself anymore.

In the beginning was... hope. Absolute perfection was living inside me, growing into my belly but especially in my mind, because as that invisible cell was growing and transforming itself into a creature that would be capable to face the outside world, it was living many lives in my mind, taking all the forms it possibly could. It could be anything and it was this what made it perfect. I would dream about it being different characters, wanting many things and fighting for them. I could see myself guiding him or her patiently, without limiting him/her. There was nothing in the world that my kid couldn't have. One thing I knew for sure: he would not carry my mistakes over his shoulders, nor the bargain of my unfulfilled wishes. He/she was gonna be my kid, my smart, beautiful, powerful, unique, perfect kid. He/she will be able to choose his/her own path, the whole world will be his/hers and so will I.

Hope though is closely followed by doubt and when you're so emotionally vulnerable like a pregnant woman is, despair is only one step away. My darkest fears start haunting me like nightmares and I can't fight them because it's not me who I'm afraid for.

Then I climb back to hoping. I even start enjoying this game until reality hits and shakes my whole world. I get nauseous, smells are torturing me... just a reminder everything's for real. I must take it seriously now, I must calculate the future precisely. But it still seems surreal. Now it's too much for me to handle, one second later it's all a dream too beautiful to be true.

On the other hand, for most women pregnancy it's a good reason to enjoy desserts without feeling guilty. Totally not the case. I'm having trouble indulging the calories I need to stay alive. As it multiplies my appetite, pregnancy reduces my seduction skills and most of all my energy level. I am too weak to go hunting. I would need some blood first. So I'm stuck here, starving.

I find salvation under my pillow though. Every morning there are two vials of fresh blood for me. They're not embellished like the ones Maxsys had and they are definitely not enough to satisfy my hunger, but they do keep me alive. Does this mean that he still cares for me? Anyways, after all this time we've been disconnected, he manages somehow to make me wake up every day thinking about him. Ironic, isn't it? And I must admit it's the best moment of my day. I am even grateful for my life. It's so frustrating not being able to provide for myself and especially for my baby. I feel I'd gladly give up my life for this creature growing inside me, who's eating me alive by the way, but for now I must keep breathing in order to bring him to the world. So thanks, Max, whatever your reasons are. Can't afford to be vain right now…

Jim doesn't know about it yet. He's trying to fill me up with juice but vitamins don't keep me from starving. I need real food. He also gives me some of his blood every now and then. We try to do it less often for his own good, but the truth is I can never say no. I'm never satisfied and I keep counting the hours until the next time. In the meantime, it's just me and this terrible hunger, a fire eating me alive, teaching me how to cry. It's an emptiness I can not fill and I get so frustrated and angry and sad. It's how our ancestors used to be tortured. But I refuse to let go. I keep on fighting and praying to live through the night, to make it to the morning when I find a few more hours of living in those vials. I am overwhelmed by emotions I can't handle. I can't do it anymore but I keep breathing though. So many times in my life I have found myself wishing I was somewhere else in the world. Not even this would help me now. There's no way I can escape this pain. And I'm not sure I want to. If this is what I must go through, then I'm in. I want to feel it all, no anesthesia. I have never felt so strong, I have never been so vulnerable. My soul is literally breaking in two. I am now not just one person but two. And I love this new part of me more than everything I was the last hundreds of years. I had no idea what love was. I love now and it hurts. This love is consuming me, I love to exhaustion.

It's not depression what I feel. I know depression well. Been there, done that. This is nothing like it, nothing meaningless, nothing close to wishing my own death, on the contrary, this is the hunger for life itself. Everything makes sense now. No effort is too big. Even if this burden I carry is overwhelming and kinda like a punishment I don't deserve, I don't wish for a second to end my torture, I just want to be able to make it till the end, but I want it all.

I look at my hands while doing different things through the day. I feel like they're not mine. Everything seems new. And exciting. I think the baby's taking a peak at the world through my eyes. The sun is rises for him. The Earth is spinning for him now. He feels it all through me.

It is amazing how all the sudden I'm not alone in this world anymore. I will never be alone again. I'll always have someone to love me from now on. Unconditionally. There will always be someone who thinks I'm perfect and that I have all the answers and that I know absolutely everything and that I do everything right.

There are not words to describe how mothers feel these things, how they transforme overnight from some scared girls still trying to figure out their own lives into someone perfect and confident and wise and strong enough to take full responsibility for not only their lives but for a brand new one too. They become goddesses of some kind, they create life, they create new little people and shape new characters as they consider. They are then responsible for whatever changes that creatures make to the world. It's our contribution to the world. Our privilege as mothers. What is this then? Is it a punishment or a reward what Eve gets for her courage and for her generosity that she proved by sharing her apple with Adam? Let it still be a mystery. Let's not spoil the magic just yet.

Jim is losing more and more of his enthusiasm and his energy. My suffering and his own are bringing him down to his knees and I forget more and more to be nice to him. Tact is the last thing on my mind while agonising.

\- How do you think it makes me feel when all I worked for in this life is for nothing? I only have one life to live and I have lived it wrong. I don't have an eternity to make things right!

\- As you can see I might not have one either. The eternity you envy so much might end pretty soon, Jim.

He doesn't hear me anymore, we don't get each other. My whispering is too weak to make it to him, his screaming is to loud for me. We're fighting way too often. But make up eventually.

\- I was wrong, Jim. And... the upcoming months... I might still be wrong... all the time. I would like you to know that I really appreciate your efforts. I see what you're doing for me. But you can't expect me to be happy all the time. I am, in general, but this is really hard for me. You have no idea. I have to face this pain and emotions I can't handle. It is too much. You will have to deal with me. I'm sure you understand and I know we'll make it through, so I thank you already. I don't know what I want from you. You're already doing everything you can and it's nothing you could do to make this easier for me. We'll just have to wait for it to pass. We both have to just survive until the baby is born. It's what I must go through, my price to pay. You can only help me by being by my side. And I know I just can't be understood right now and I am still scared no matter what and I still feel lonely. But if you are here I need nothing else.

I think he heard me this time.

XV - Out of Friends

-How many births have you witnessed so far?

-?!

-I think the time is coming. We'll have to manage... We can't go to a hospital, we can't even call for a doctor. I don't bleed like humans do.

-Don't you know someone that can help you? I've seen births on tv but none with vampires.

-I don't have many friends among humans. The people I know that could help are out of reach now.

-Do you mean you can't contact anyone from your people?

\- The other pilgrims won't give the message under these circumstances. I'm a traitor now. My only connection was Maxsys but, well, you know how our relationship ended.

Yes, I knew someone... Jim didn't ask who it was since I couldn't get to her anyway, but she is someone very close to my heart, my old lady, Mafteea. She is the only one brave enough to help a renegade. She doesn't have to explain herself. And she would do it for me, she always had something special for me, I don't know why, but she always cared for me. Everyone respects her. She has earned her respect. What I don't know is what I have done to deserve her attention. She is the wisest woman in our community. No leader takes any big decision without her approval. Everybody comes to her for advice and she is generous enough to give some of her knowledge to everyone. She is always there, a pillar of the community, always objective, always fair.

Some think she is some fortune teller, some say she is a prophet, but she only makes predictions based on her experience. She always says that if you listen to your mind carefully and trust your instincts, then you know it all. And she knows it all. In our minds though is way too much noise. I can never listen to my deepest thoughts close enough.

She also had something to do with my adoption, she said my destiny would be great. May be she didn't listen close enough either back then because she let herself feel some sympathy for me. Maybe she didn't tell the truth that one time. Or maybe she was just wrong for once. Because I left my people, abandoned my clause. I gave up so easily to the position I have fought for. I refused to give my charms to the vampires but chose to practice them on humans. I chose to function against the laws of nature. I gave up on everything to live among people, to give birth to a human which is going to die when I could have had vampire sons. What the hell was I thinking?

How stupid does it all seam now that I see things from a different angle! How foolish of me! I wonder what would Mafteea think about me now. Would she even help me if she knew? God, I miss her so much! How I wish I could see her one more time even if she would just give me a disapproving look. I haven't seen her since I left to become a pilgrim. Of course she and Maxsys had a say in this when the Council gave its approval. I didn't even get to thank her. Well she doesn't need it now that I disappointed them both and embarrassed them in front of everybody.

Now I'm completely out of friends. I haven't noticed until now. Haven't seen how important it was having these two in my life. I had no idea how I was going to miss their support. I never needed their actual presence, just knowing they were there was enough. It gave me strength. In their eyes I was great and they made me think that too. Now if I'll die giving birth to this child the only one missing me will be poor Jim and soon enough no one will remember I ever existed. My kind won't even know what happened to me. I am probably a renegade already and they don't talk about me anymore. They'd kill me if they could, especially now that I can't defend myself and I'm about to give birth to a man cub. I wonder if they're looking for me. Maxsys must be the one taking the heat for me. He's feared and they respect him, but I'm sure this must have at least scratched the surface of him. I wonder why is he still protecting me, why does he bring me blood vials every morning and how come nobody has found me until now?

The pain became unbearable. I am in labor for many hours already, sweating and screaming. It feels like my weakened body is breaking inside. I can't take it anymore. The pregnancy that didn't seem to come to an end is leaving the scene only to make place to an even greater pain. This is way too much for me. A great sadness takes over me when I think about this creature inside me who's fighting so hard to get out. I don't think I can bring him to light. All this time we both struggled for nothing. The world starts to get darker and darker and I can't help but think about so many things I left unfinished. I had so much time I could have used better. Even my life was short for a vampire comparing to humans I lived for generations. But it's true, when you have too much, you don't appreciate it enough. I gave my time to a human only to make his life miserable. I have promised him heaven, but dragged him through my hell instead. I have lied to myself, lied to him too. Who said love was a stupid mirage probably knew life well. What kind of vampire am I to let myself be fooled by the illusion off a feeling? A dying one of course. A stupid one who has sold his immortality for a dream.

\- Calm down, no one is going to die…

I hear the loved voice of an angel. Nobody else could read my mind…

\- Not now that I'm her.

It's a powerful and harsh voice but also comforting. I know this voice so it must be the one that sent me into this world and now is calling me back where I came from.

Jim is asking for mercy terrified by the knife the angel holds in her hand.

I wake up in another world, one that is too beautiful to be true. The remaining pain convinces me that it might be though. It is a world where humans and vampires work together serving the same purpose, it is a world where miracles happen and they can be held. Mafteea puts mine into my arms and that very moment I turned into someone else. This new world hasn't just give me back my power but also gave me purpose which made me invincible. I swear I don't need anything else. Living the rest of my life serving this little human squealing in my arms is enough. Even if he is probably not gonna be a vampire nor live forever, I have a feeling he's going to accomplish great things in his life. I mean look at him! My son. My king. He was just born and he already changed my life. Imagine what he can do to the rest of the world!

XVI - Universe Is Out of Balance

Finally I have all the answers. Now there is someone who will never doubt what I say. He's the most important in the world. But surprisingly being in charge of your life is more difficult than taking care of another. Actually I forget about myself most of the time. I serve my king as if he was the son of a god, but still there are not enough hours in the day for me to do everything that I should. There's always something more I should have done. I am so overwhelmed. It's funny how all my life I did nothing but trying to break free, to grow up, take my own decisions cos Maxys always had this power over me to get me to do whatever he wanted. He always knew what buttons to press in order for me to behave exactly how he wanted. I think this is the reason why I've always lacked patience. Whatever it was it had to happen right away because if Maxsys got to have an opinion about it... then it had to be his way. I always give in to him. No exceptions. Don't know if it's his powers or my weakens for him that makes me do this. Every once in a while he will please me and let me have it my way, he will indulge me, but only because he wants to, not because I convince him. Our so called fights were nothing but silly games, some funny cross talk when all my attempts to stay strong failed in front of him. I may have caught him off guard a few times but only because he let me do it. He is way to collected. And he knows me too well. I couldn't even lie to him, not that I'd want to, but I would have loved to have a choice. He gave me one when I left. He let me go when he could have stopped me. I appreciate that, but I was also disappointed that he did it so easily like he didn't even care. Once I've discovered this new world there was no way for me to come back to the old one. It wasn't for me any more. And my thirst for adventure was burning me. How wise of him to know that. But him to let go of something? Hard to believe, unless... he doesn't need it anymore. This makes me sad, that I meant so little to him, that he didn't want me anymore so that's why he just let me go.

And I must admit I don't always like this freedom I tried so hard to attain. It's hard to take decisions sometimes. And this new world, with new rules I'm not totally aware of, gets me confused. I don't always know what's wrong or right. I miss his guidance and I miss the support. Now I'm the one who has to be strong all the time and I have nobody to run to when it gets too hard for me. And it seems I'm kinda stuck in here. I have nothing else to learn, nowhere else to go to, no one I can relate with. Who am I supposed to compare my power with, humans?

It would be an unfair fight. May be my power isn't greater than theirs but I have at least a few hundreds of years more of practice when they barely know about the power they possess. I do appreciate my freedom, can't lie about that, but I definitely miss someone to guide me, to be there for me, to protect me if I need it.

I am more and more tired. I never sleep any more. Breastfeeding is consuming more calories that I can eat. The days spent doing nothing are long gone like they never existed. I don't do anything for myself. Luckily I still get my 'breakfast' every morning. Otherwise I don't think I would have survived. I rarely get to feed properly. Getting ready to get out takes me more than the actual feed, sometimes it seems it's not worth it. The baby needs so much time and attention. He drains me of all my energy.

Jim is doing even worse though. He's never been so pale and his dark circles are scary. Even his voice is getting lower. It gives me chills. Humans get sick and they die. My baby can't be human. I couldn't bear this. I could survive a consumed love story, I could see Jim getting old, I could say goodbye to him, but not to my child. He is supposed to outlive me. And to think that I almost felt relieved when his fangs didn't show. How stupid of me. How could I not think about this? Is it too late? Who am I fooling? He should have started to have blood by now if he was a vampire. He eats what all the other humans his age eat instead. He's not a big eater that I can say but he's growing beautifully and needs nothing but our love and attention like he would live on that. Oh... No, but that's not possible. I would have known.

XVII - Blood and Wine

\- I have definitely wasted my time trying to build the perfect life. I worked so much to make enough money so I could have a family and provide for them. Not too much though, so that I was able to spend enough time with my wife and kids. Kept fame under control, so we could have privacy and be safe. All for nothing! Even if I had all the money in the world, I still couldn't be able to feed my wife. No matter how discreet we are, we won't be able to hide the fact that I'm fucking getting older, that our kid will grow up and you'll look exactly the same. And I could have all the time and I still can't spend more than 10 minutes with my son before I'm all drained out of energy. I don't know what the hell is happening! This is so not the life I wanted! And I can do nothing about it! I can't fix this.

-Do you think it's easier for me to live knowing that I'll bury my husband and son!? That this is nothing but a fucking game that will eventually come to an end, then I'll be left with nothing, nothing at all and I'll have to live with it for many many years still?

\- Is this what we are, a game for you? You can't wait to start over, don't you? Lucky you, not everybody gets to do that. For some of us this fucking life is the only shot at living.

-I don't fucking live at all! This is damnation, not living, Jim. Holding my baby into my arms knowing I won't have him for ever. Loving you the way I do. It is torture to me. I can't be faithful to you, I wish I could. I keep trying to live on juice until I'm almost dying.

We are fighting and fighting. Words hurt more and more. I almost don't get to see Jim any more and when I do, we argue every time. I hate him for his job, his exhibitions, because he's getting out with friends. I don't even go out to feed any more.

I have missed home before and the comfort I used to have, but somehow knowing that I could have it back at anytime if I decided to go back, made it easier. Now that I am stuck here having no other place to go, no other option, no hope at all it's killing me. I try to go on, but dispar always gets me eventually. I can't take it anymore.

I have to find a way. Things can't go on like this. What used to be heaven has now turned into hell. All my efforts seem to be in vain though. Everything is going wrong. No matter how much I try, I can't do anything right. And imperfections are hurting me. I want only the best for my son. I gave up on me. I am not a woman anymore, almost not even a vampire. All I have left is being his mother, but most of the times I can't even do this right.

\- Jim, where are all of the baby's clothes?

\- Where are yours? The closet is empty!

What I get to see makes me freeze. Maxsys takes the baby out of his crib and holds him looking at him with extraordinary affection. They connect instantly.

\- Allow me to introduce myself.

\- It's about time! How did you get in here and why are you holding my son?

\- Maxsys, nice to meet you…

\- Maxsys, don't!

Too late. The handshake makes Jim get white as a sheet and he has to lean against the wall to keep him from falling.

\- Is this how you feel after spending time with 'your' son, Jim?

\- How do you know my name, I didn't…

\- Or don't you even remember how it feels? When was the last time you held him? You were looking pretty good when I came so my guess is a few weeks.

O my god! My darkest thoughts are coming true.

\- Come on, Selena, don't tell me you didn't have things figured out by now!

\- I have started thinking about it but…

\- Started? What about the blood then, what did you think it was, a kind gesture?.

\- What blood?

\- No, my dear, just doing, you know, my fatherly duty... Did you really though you could keep her alive feeding her smoothies?

\- Father!?

\- Oh, just look at us! Can't you see the resemblance?

They're like peas in a pod, just different sizes, you know...

\- Selena?

\- I swear I didn't know, Jim. It was just a few weeks ago when I started doing some connections, still hoping I was wrong.

\- Connections? Really? You were 'hoping'? And all this time he brought you blood?

\- I wasn't sure it was from him.

\- Where the fuck did you thought it was from?

\- And I didn't know a damn thing!

\- You were so happy thinking I could feed normally…

\- So this is normal to you know! And you should have known. She would've been dead by now with the food you give her!

\- She's fine as you can see.

\- Not thanks to you. And this is far from fine. Now please excuse me, I have to take my wife and kid home.

The whole situation seems so unreal I can't even fight it. Yet the truth hits me like a thunder. My baby is almost one. He can stand, he said his first words and all. He eats very little but he has grown beautifully. He doesn't look like Jim at all. I thought he looked like me, dark hair, blue eyes, but now seeing him next to Maxsys... His magnetic big blue eyes sparkle more than mine. His hair is darker... He's always so full of energy but especially after spending time with his father, I mean Jim... I had no idea this was even possible, giving birth to a succubus… No vampiress did that before. That's how Maxsys wanted me to save his world, his kind…

\- Take our hand off my wife!

\- She nothing yours. I have just let you borrow her for a little while…

\- Is this what you people do, let others borrow your women?

\- What can I say, we like to share.

\- So when you can't handle them anymore you pass them along?

\- Could you handle her?

\- Doesn't she have anything to say? Selena!

\- I love you, Jim, I really do, but we can't go on like this. This isn't living for neither of us... I…

\- Vampires love no one.

\- I'm sorry.

My tears fall on his face as I kiss him goodbye. One last kiss, the most painful one, the one that breaks both of our hearts.

When I open my eyes I'm at Maxsys"s new place. Our son is playing peacefully in his room. Once again I don't know who I am.

\- So, welcome home!

Blood and wine again. Pure energy, all the exhaust melting away, like I'm coming back to life. Comfort. Luxury. After everything I've been through.

\- Why did you let me go?

-I never tried to stop you from making your own mistakes. You always had freedom to make your own decisions. You just didn't see it. I have always loved your courage.

\- Why did you bring me back then?

\- Because I need you.

I have always wanted to hear from him that he loved me. He reads my mind again. Or maybe he always knew.

\- I could have still loved you from a distance, but I need you here now. I needed you to complete me. To surprise me like you do. I need to touch you to know that you are real, not just a fantasy of mine. I don't need a mistress, nor someone to obey me. I only want you and nothing less. I worship you. I am proud of you. I am a god when I have you, I own the whole world where you are mine, I am a warrior when you fight me... You make me wise when you ask me for advice. You make me weak when you reject me. I can be anything with you and I'm nothing without you. Can't you see how much you mean to me? You are the only one that can make me feel. I even needed you to make mistakes for me, to make me suffer to make sure I was still alive. Things have changed now though. Because you thought me just as many things as I thought you. I can make mistakes too now. I can fight for what I want. I can truly live from now on. And my species will too.

He lays his head in my lap, I run my fingers through his hair, remembering how I used to fall asleep in his arms, how I felt completely safe with him. I stroke his shiny hair. God, how I missed him. Funny thing though, faith, no matter how ironic, seems to have balance after all. He must know all my fears now, he must know everything I've been through. He must have felt it too.

He's still waiting for my answer. He wonders if I'll stay. He seems to be afraid. But he can't think about the future yet. He stays in the present for now, fully living the moment for the first time. Guard down and all. Safe in my arms.

I gave him life, I fed him, I thought him how to love, fight, make mistakes. I made him live. He's mine. Completely. Like I'm his. We're one.

The End

"I still love you. Love you like a star. Every once in a while I tear myself away from my place and come light your path then gather all of my strength and come back to the night I belong to. I love you this much that I leave you every time. This is how it has to be, me running my own kingdom which is far far away from yours. I love you, Jim. Love you like a star. I always will." I wrote a letter.

\- I totally broke his heart!

\- He totally needed this! He is strong now. He'll put it back together.

\- I gave him so much only to take it all away again. I don't think he'll ever be able to go back to his old life.

\- That's great, so he won't go back. Cuz he's supposed to go forward. Now that he knows what he can have he will make it. He will make his own life now so that nobody can take things away from him anymore. You did good. Just tat this 'good' is not so simple. 'Good' is complete. 'Good' is having it all, not just half of it. Even if it is the good half it won't function without the other. A life that is filled only with silly smiles has no sense at all. There must be shadows wherever is light. He must know that.

\- I really do love you.

\- I live you.

So, I brought my species one step further on the evolution scale giving birth to a succubus. Helped Maxsys's species live on. Showed Maxsys he could love after all, showed Jim you could love and still let go, fight for love and give upon the fight in the name of love, sacrifice yourself for love and so on. Then put yourself back together and start over. This is what we do. Humans and vampires.

The price we pay for it? It's expensive but totally worth it.

The pay off? All the things we learn along the way, who we become in the end. Getting to know ourselves. Being happy with who we are. Our true self.

'She was so strong that she let me be stronger, allowed me to teach her things, to try to take care of her. Put her life in my hands. Risked it all and lose it all for love.

She was strong for never letting me change her. She made a detour for me but still remained true to herself. She was never lost. She chose to suffer for me and she did it with dignity, never complained.

Then she was strong enough to end it when she had to. I could never have done that. But I must admit it was for the best.

She was my angel who came down on earth and walked with me for a while to show me the way to happiness and she was the demon who threw me to the hell of loneliness to find out who I really was, find my own way.

She was the love of my life or maybe just some strange dream but she wasn't mine to keep. She was my curse and my blessing, she was a story about life.

And for all the possibilities she showed me the strength I have now, for who I am and who I will be I must thank her with all my heart.' He talked about his muse at his latest exhibition.


End file.
